light relief

Writing on hospital charts:

• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

• While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  
  
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  
  
• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

GCSE answers

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Answer phone messages

Hi. I am probably home. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.