Hell and Damnation

Bliar seeking ҹ4-million deal for Soul: report

Prime Minister Tony Bliar is preparing to sell his soul to an infernal mouse owned by the Infernal Prince Set for a whopping ҹ4 million underworld pounds ($666m), it was reported Saturday. Having originally sold his soul to Prince Lucifer (close cousin of His Satanic Majesty King Sshytan Van Goatshead), Bliar exercised his buy-back option at a preferential rate, after Prince Lucifer found himself in financial difficulties.

According to the Jahanumm Express, Bliar was said to have selected Harper mouse as his rodent "of choice", for a deal that would allow him to wipe out at a stroke the population of Basra, so that he could afford the mortgage on the six dungeon mansion in upmarket Di Yu (China town in Hell), purchased for his retirement from the world of the living.

But the prime minister's office has insisted that the claim, which coincides with Bliar returning from his summer holidays, was "categorically untrue." The Jahanumm Express quoted suffering insiders as saying the value of his soul could be more than ҹ7 million when sponsorship and other factors are taken into account.

Bliar's return to work has refueled speculation that the prime minister may be starting his `swansong' year as he prepares to step down towards the lower reaches of the nether world. Reports have suggested that he is again under growing pressure to announce the date for his departure from Earth.

The most likely date will be after he hangs as a war-criminal, following a world wide revolution widely expected in 2008. However, he is also reported to have "unfinished business" with Gordon Brown, and a televised duel to the death, could be on the cards instead.

His immediate concern is his planned visit to the Middle East to kill the peace process after supporting Israel's month-long bombardment of Lebanon, which killed only 1,300 civilians. Demons Weekly reports that this has not gone down well in the Dis Stockmarket where his stock has fallen by 20% since a record performance in spring 2003.

Apart from preparing for what could be his last rites, Blair is also reported to be concerned about the forthcoming deadline for him to break the four-year tentative peace in Northern Ireland by restoring internment for all Catholics and bringing back the Black and Tans.

Officials from Prince Set's Tarturus Palace have leaked plans by Bliar and President George W. Bush to foment a third world war involving nuclear weapons. Downing Street denied that this was on the agenda, saying that the Iranians had failed to produce a workable weapon, despite leaked blueprints and help from unnamed agencies. A complete nuclear exchange is therefore considered unfeasible, by the time Mr Bliar is due to expire.