Veil on War / War on Veil

After the wonderfully efficient Home Office led by John Reid, has had a go at tackling the Muslim menace within society, it is now the turn of the Education Department. Alan Johnston has declared war on the evil in schools that is the Muslim veil. The War on the Veil, aims to stamp on the wearing of the veil, by a huge number of a handful of people in the whole country who choose to wear the offensive object, because they believe it is an essential part of their religion. Never mind the failure of the flagship academies, the crumbling schools, the lack of discipline, the lack of resources, the overworked teachers and the ever changing curriculum and assessment requirements, this is apparently an issue that Headteachers must take action on immediately lest the Muslim menace take a firm grip on our society.

The grounds for the action are described as "safety, security and teaching". The security grounds are obvious. Any terrorist could easily pretend to be a teacher, appropriately disguising their voice to fool the pupils whilst flooding their minds with hatred of the moderate and charitable western actions in taking over and occupying oil rich Muslim nations. The safety implications are obvious too; you could easily take some child's eye out with the material or even set it on fire by sticking your head over a bunsen flame. The teaching is also an important issue. How are the kids supposed to see the expressions on the teachers face when it is covered with a dark material, particularly when they are trying so hard to gauge how much they can get away with in terms of poking each other with sharp objects? Clearly the heavy material muffles the voice of the teacher too leading to them misunderstanding important instructions like 'please be quiet'. Teachers are incapable of judging whether the said object is hindering their teaching or having no effect. Last year, a teaching assistant Aishah Azmi was sacked from a school in Dewsbury at the urging of concerned government ministers.

According the the guardian of the nations morals Jack 'Getyourveiloff' Straw, the device hinders face to face communications in a manner prevents him to "see what the other person means, and not just hear what they say". Clearly, years of sitting with New Labour ministers has taught Jack that what is said is never what is meant when you are having a conversation. For example, the expression ' give us a lot of cash and you too can have a K or P" could be mistakenly taken to mean that the government was looking to sell honours, which is clearly not the case, despite vicious police leaks. Mr Straw declined our request for a video conference interview saying that such things could be used to twist his words and make them appear to be bigoted rather than aimed at promoting community harmony and universal facial sign language. Jack also likes to see the expression on people's faces that says 'you lying little shit' whenever he makes another promise to a constituent, that he has no intention of honouring.

Auntie Beeb is as concerned as ever about this issue. Adopting the title 'Survey finds support for veil ban' they reveal that - One in three people would support a ban on the Muslim face-covering veil in public places. Clearly this massive majority of 33% is enough to sway the BBC headline writers into furious action. Only 56% of people said they would not and just under one in ten said they did not know. In a breakout of cross-Europe enlightenment, the article also reveals that:

Politicians in Italy have called for a ban on face-covering veils in public places while Dutch ministers have said they will legislate against the all-over burqa.

The Dutch and Italian politicians are apparently concerned that the rare lesser-covered female species prevalent in Western society particularly the ones described as 'red hot totty' could be wiped out due to the alien covered species wearing the full veil.